get me the fuck outta here before...

i stab my eye out. people in sf drive me fucking insane (not that they are all like this - but the ones that are i wanna fuckin kick in the crotch). i can't stand people that act all "distant" to show they are superior and so fucking special and interesting that they won't tell you things about them but then when the topic comes up later they act like you should have known they are a fucking expert on it even though they never said shit before. get over yourself, no one gives a shit about you that much that you have to be all mega-private about lame shit you know about or have experienced. Or if you don't want to tell people, don't throw it in their faces later for not knowing you knew, asshole.

Ok, I feel a bit better now. Maybe I can fall asleep soon bc it's almost 4am and I have to be up for work in less than 4 hours. Fuck. I haven't had a late night like this in a long ass time - I've become such an adult with getting to bed at a semi-decent hour (before 1am typically) so this is gonna suck tomorrow when I'm tired as shit and have a ton of shit to do because it is approaching year end and i have to hound a crapload of people to make sure we will land on target. Fun. My brain is racing so much that I haven't been able to fall asleep at all tonight. I tried to sleep but I kept thinking and thinking about what was pissing me off and also what is stressing me out (moving, getting a new job, resume bullshit, MONEY, etc etc etc). I can't wait to be in a stable place someday with finances, etc. At least once I'm back in DC I can find a better job and settle in come Spring with my boys and hopefully get back to my life after this "extended vacation away from DC" I've been on since March. That's truly what it feels like - I am SOOO not a west coast girl. Apparently, I even have a New England accent! HA!

I feel like I live in Italy all over again...

Our dryer is broken in our apt (yes, we are fortunate enough to have a laundry room in our 2 story condo!) and it’s so freakin annoying bc now I have to hang all my clothes up to air dry ala Roma style. When I lived in Italy we only had a washing machine that took 1.5 hours to run and no dryer – so we would sprawl clothes all over the apt and sheets all over the kitchen chairs, a total disaster! But it certainly made me appreciate washers and dryers back here in America! Then you get used to having good washers and dryers again so as soon as one breaks it’s enough to drive you to drink! Ok, I’m exaggerating, kinda, but it’s still annoying. Rant over.

I’ve recently come to the conclusion that I am so much so an East Coast gal that I cannot survive and be happy and fulfilled on the west coast… as beautiful and fun as it is. I will miss listening to the waves crashing in the ocean from my bedroom window more than anything (I’m listening now, sooo nice! I hear fog horns too). I love California, it’s an unbelievably gorgeous state… it’s just that itsy bitsy problem of being, oh, I don’t know…. Say 3,000 MILES away from home. It didn’t sound like a huge deal before I moved…but the reality sure sets in when you are going about your daily everyday routine and find your life is lacking in ways you didn’t know until now. I definitely took a number of things for granted in my life back in DC, I regret leaving a lot undone there even after living there for 3.5 years. By the time I make it back there I will have been living in San Francisco for about 10 months…. I’m surprised I didn’t make it a year out here, I actually expected to live out here for around 3 years. Things change and people grow and living allll the way out here has certainly made me realize what’s truly important in life…. And when my dad calls me and asks if I want to talk to my 2 year old niece and she asks him “who’s that?” and he has to explain “she’s Billy’s sister, your Aunt Brenda” that’s a pretty good indication that I’m living way too far away. Yes, they live in CT…. but guess what, I can’t jump in my car on some random weekend like I used to and just drive up from DC to visit my family and friends whenever I felt like it… now I have to drop over $400 on airfare and spend an entire day traveling and then bc I spent so much money I have to stay for an extended period of time and use up all my vacation days so I never get a real vacation (read: tropical relaxing vaca or trip abroad) since I spend it all catching up and spending quality time with the fam and friends I see for maybe 3 weeks a year. Run-on sentence? Probably. Point is, I know in my heart (and always have) that I want to settle on the east coast – so the longer I stay in CA the longer I feel like I am putting my life on hold. Maybe that isn’t how it really is, but it’s how I feel. There have been indications all along that I wasn’t ready to really settle in on the west coast – I haven’t moved my gym membership from VA yet and I still bank with Wachovia in DC when they don’t even have offices out here! It’s those ties that I just didn’t (and don’t) want to sever bc they bind me to HOME. Sounds irrational, I know it is, but I guess I felt something in me that was saying “no, don’t move your whole life bc you’ll have to move it all back again when you leave soon.” I didn’t know soon would be sooo soon, but I feel more at peace now that I’ve decided to move back to DC than I have since before I left DC. And what’s WEIRD about that is when I visited SF 2.5 years ago I felt so at peace here and that’s a big part of what drove me to want to live in CA…. so here I am and I’ve never felt so UNPEACEFUL. Even with the ocean waves caressing me to sleep! I believe this is what has led to my weight gain even though I eat healthier now than I have in my entire life as well as my increased back pain since moving.

I think I idealized SF in my head after that visit. I think what contributed to the intense relaxation I felt here was due to the fact that I came here only mere months after my last boyfriend smashed my heart into little itty bitty crumbs so of course a vacation away from my misery and insomnia was much needed! I think I have a habit of idealizing and romanticizing places, people, and situations so much so that I believe it will make me extraordinarily happy when that is just plain unrealistic. Ooops. At least I realize I do this now so I can stop making stupid decisions. I was happy in DC, I don’t remember being unhappy there at all… maybe a bit bored and ready for change, but that was my own laziness in not taking advantage of the city and my friends and not me needing to actually move clear across the country. But I am extremely glad that I moved here and tried it out – it was a dream of mine and now I have accomplished it and saw for myself if it was right for me. I’ve grown in ways that I could not have in DC and I don’t have to walk through life questioning what living in CA is like anymore. I’m proud of my move even though I spent (and will be spending) shit loads of cash to move again. It was worth it though!

Ramble ramble ramble. I should get ready for bed. I need to get working on my resume this week too – gotta find a new job in DC come Feb/March! Ahhh! I hate job searching, hopefully I find something that suits me more than crappy financial analyst desk jobs, I get way too bored staring at a PC all day. I think my vision has worsened even more over the last year….sucks! I really want a job where I am working with people and different projects to keep me interested and motivated. Cuz right now, I’m boredddd!!!! I think I have a problem with authority too – but that’s a topic for another post. Basically, I can’t stand my boss telling me what to do, I feel like I should be telling HER what to do – its that natural leader in me screaming to get out. I think a lot of it is the way she talks to me and LOVES to constantly remind me of my “place” in the organization. Get over yourself lady! Go back to Hong Kong and work the sweat shops – we are a non-profit, get ahold of yourself!!! Ok, I’m done.

: )